To Gab, who’s going to fly tomorrow.

Just have to let them words go…

Total eclipse of my heart

In those few faithful minutes, the sun becomes one with the moon. Both are surrendering to the vast darkness in the background. And both are now parts of a mere silhouette that wraps the endless sky.  The only thing that separates them is a thin outline that screams rays of light, as if asking for help, as if nightfall will remain still forever. And this is where it happens, in those few faithful minutes, there was a total eclipse of a heart.

In my 17 years of existence, I had never seen an actual eclipse, whether it is partial or total, nothing. And even if this phenomenon cared to give our town a little stopover, life would always make a way for me to miss it. Of course, I’d love to see one, but they are rare and so are my chances of witnessing it. This is probably one of the few things I groan and rant in life, until I realized that what’s going on the heavens is what’s exactly happening to me.

I was online one night when suddenly a friend sent me a random message saying “What’s happening to you. You used to be little miss sunshine? These days all I see in you is unhappiness”.

And that’s where it hit me.

Little miss sunshine, yep there I was, like a teenage Hollywood movie; walking down the halls of school, greeting everyone, greeted by most, everybody’s friend, and the instant stress ball, life of the party, the one who laughs the loudest in the class, and hyperactive petite girl whose smile is so contagious. It seemed that I and happiness were so inseparable that I can almost award myself a trophy that says … “You and I Forever”.

It used to be all fun, until reality begins to sink in, until the people closest to my heart start breaking my trust, started saying lies and abusing my innocent kindness.  It seems that I had given so much of myself to the world, that I slowly forget that I too have a life, and I need to stop spoon feeding theirs. Kind of like getting blinded by my own brightness, oddly impossible but true.

So there it is, the beginning of the dark ends of my life , slowly crawling and ripping me apart. And all I am now is just a fragment of who I was before. Confused, miserable, robbed out of identity, happiness, time, hopes, dreams, but most of all the light, the very thing that I had carelessly shared to people who didn’t even deserve an inch of it.

In silence and isolation, I am taking a toll from my past, pushing people and myself away. Blame, guilt, fear, that’s the new definition of me. I’ve been on this state for a pretty long time now, and it seems that this darkness lasts longer than it should. It’s like an illusion that you can’t help but to be deceived in, like a lie that you can’t help to believe in.

Photo by news.bbc.co.uk

Most of the things I write, I put on a hopeful conclusion, but in reality I never really got to “fulfill” that kind of realization. So for the meantime, let’s just take that even in the darkness of an eclipse there is still a faint light surrounding it. And let these faded rays serve as an S.O.S. at the same time a message for all that I am still surviving. And as long as the moon is still on my sight, and we are face to face, I will take this as an opportunity to look him straight in the eyes and say “I don’t know when or how, but you and I will be separated, and I will be happy again”.